I’ve been working on a project inspired by the phenomenon sweeping our nation called 50 Shades of Twilight. (I know that technically they’re two different stories, but we all know they aren’t.) I’ve been combing through both series to pull out the pertinent plot points. (Stop laughing- I have to call the scenes something.) I’ve been working for quite a while now to weave them together into some sort of cohesive story. (Also, to add a plot- still working on that.) This was first inspired after reading 50 Shades of Grey and hearing that this story was touted as an adult romance to aspire to. We’ve all heard that. Christian Grey is the new Sean Connery or something? (Sorry, Christian- without the accent, you don’t stand a chance. I don’t care how tousled your hair is.)
My brain started working, changing the story, asking what if as a good writer always does. What it came up with was: What if a real-life person did meet and fall in love with a real-life Ice Prince? What would really happen in a relationship with the sort of man girls (Twilight) and women (50SoG) are being told to attach themselves to? What would happen if the Ethnic Friend (don’t tell me you don’t know who that is) was actually called on trying to force his affections on her?
I had just finished the 50 Shades series when I started this, and I re-read the first two in the Twilight series. Ok, I thought, I have this. Jose was exaggerated from Jacob when he assaulted the female lead. I can tone it back down a bit because, honestly, of all the characters, I like Jacob the best. He can be a bit of an idiot, but he’s a 16-year-old boy. Also, while a lot of Edward’s behavior is really not ok, he is a 100-year-old vampire with his first girlfriend. Which makes Christian worse, since Christian is supposed to be wholly human and raised in contemporary circumstances. 50 Shades of Grey really is the worse example- and not just because of the writing.
Then I started reading the Sporkings of Twilight. Oh dear god. (Careful about clicking on that link if you have anywhere you need to be in the next few days. It’s a little addictive.) I knew that I’d read just the surface when I was reading the books, and I’d still quit the first time after reading New Moon. For the second go-round, I actually switched from Team Jacob to Team Edward when reading New Moon. Edward deserved Bella. Jacob was something of an idiot, but he still deserved better. After all, he had the potential to outgrow the idiocy. Apparently my brain had just shut out everything that happened in Eclipse and Breaking Dawn.
For the sporkings, counts are kept of the most egregious problems. A new one was added just for Eclipse. It was called “I’m Gonna Rape You” and it tallied whenever a character did something that was easily read as rape-tastic. The final count? 152. The only reason it didn’t come in as the highest count is because it tied with You Racist Bastards. There was one scene, though, that really made me start to re-think whether or not I was up to the task of dealing with these characters. I think I’ll leave this in the hands of das-mervin. (Trigger warning for that link.)
I just . . . I can’t . . . I think I’m going to stick with ignoring everything that happens in Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. There are a couple of things that I must include, like the baby, and maybe the bruising sex, but I’m going to admit that there are things I just can’t write. I can’t write that many genuinely screwed up characters. And I can’t write a male romantic interest that thinks it’s ok to rape his girl into loving him. I can’t turn an awkward, but generally likeable, character into that big of a douche.
I’m starting to think that I’m not messed up enough to write in the “tradition” of Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey. I’d say that was a good thing if I wasn’t sort of hoping for an insta-best-seller.